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AS5exy1i1angel
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Name: AS5exy1i1angel
Gender: Female
Interests: reading, workingout, planning my future...wow y am i such a loser these dayz....=/
Expertise: too much for u to handle....hehe....
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
2/22/2003
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| It's been a while since my last post....it doesn't mean i forgot about xanga...it's just i didn't really have anything to write until now....life's been good.....really good compare to other ppl....i know i shouldn't complain because my problems are nothing compare to others....but for some reason i still feel sad.....sad for many reasons....did i bring this upon myself? i can't focus on anything else even tho i know i should....i don't want to be depressed but i randomly find myself in it.....and this time there is no answer......and no one can help me....i have two choices.....either let him go or chase him, and both are out of love....and tears just come down even just thinking about it....i know he loves me, but he's not ready....he's got enough problems already without me adding to it, and the last thing i want is to bring more trouble for him. I don't want to annoy him, and i know that he doesn't know y can't i just be okay with that????? I would chase him and tell him how much i need him because i think he's worth it for me to put down my pride, but that's just the thing, i think he already knows what i want from him, sometimes i feel like he knows me even better than i do....so there's no point to explain more....and i don't want to burden him and make him choose because i know he won't be happy, and when ur not happy u tend to want to escape....so the only choice i have left is to let him go....give him time and space and a peace of mind....let him go figure out on his own, and hopefully realize that I am worthy of his commitment and settlement....that he will realize that he wants to be and live with me just as much as I want with him...
but that just means he doesn't feel the same way i do about him right now, which means i'm not special...i'm just like every other girl he's dated, that i'm not special enough that he's willing to have a life with me...which makes me sad, but wat can i do....u can't change how someone feels about u....which i think is y i'm sad right now, that in the end i do love him more than he loves me and in the end its still me who gets hurt....(silly alice, how could u ever expect this to change..)
when will there be a happy ending.....if ever....
maybe happy endings are really just in the fairy tales....maybe i need to grow up....and face the cold hard reality...thanks to him
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| I'm thinking way too much again...u know i thought i've learned to live more in the moment, which i think i'm better at doing now, (but then i seem to not have a grasp of my immediate future at all =/ ), i still can't help but wondering and imagining how it would be like in the future, i realized once again, that doesn't matter how much i want to change myself in that sense, i just can't do it because i always find myself living in that future. What should i do??
i have to constantly remind myself NOT TO DO THAT, yet it's still not working, i wonder if other people feel the same way? maybe i need to get some professional help......again =/
I'm really scared that this world and the people i will encounter will change me for the worse....right now before i decision to think another way, i always make sure that it's the best decision out of the two, i just feel that i have so much to give, and while that can really hurt me and screw me over, i don't think it's a bad quality to have, and i would like to save this quality for my special someone....so what i've realized is that, instead of changing myself and become more distant and cold and not let people in, i just need to be careful and screen out people so that i can find someone who feels the same way about giving, and then we would complement each other...=)
what kind of love language do you have?
I realized that i'm not verbal at all when it comes to love, i show love by doing all the little things in life for the other person, but i also realized that i WANT verbal love as well as action...i can't help it, that's just who i am.... i think i finally understand this is what people mean when they say...."how do you love someone else, if you don't know how to be yourself and know what you want..."
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| Wendy made me realize something today...i'm in no shape to convince others of my beliefs because they are not credible, why should they listen to me because my believes would eventually change as I become more experienced...but i do know that i've learned alot from where i started and i'm really glad i have, and i still conclude that the only way to learn these lessons is to go through the ups and downs. Also, not everyone learns the same lesson, but i guess i just want to make sure that i don't always take the easier way out....
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| i think i'm more at peace now on many different levels, i can't believe how much i've changed in the past three years, how i've literally gone 180 degrees, and still spinning, i believe i'm learning the right lessons in life, i like to think that all those sleepless nights happened for a good reason, i refuse to move on without learning my lessons, and now that i've sorted out some of the things, i'm def more at peace with myself, i do believe things happen for a reason, and i need to get back to who i was before, not so weak and dependent, i'm so ashamed of myself these days just cuz i know how much better i used to be, but i guess that's also one of the lessons i have to learn, to not let myself become this way no matter what happens. all those "empty" sayings make even more sense now that i've experienced it, i guess the ultimate goal is to live a full, fun and happy life but at the same time learning how to deal with the down, sad, getting hurt part that come as the price.... i'm having so many thoughts again, but it's more like repeating to myself so that i can get stronger. i like to think that i'm just over analyzing everything, but am i? and i've concluded that it's the overanalyzing that has made me learned my lessons and seeing through the complications in life...it's a blessing and a curse - the story of my life =/ sometimes i feel like no one will ever be able to think on my level... ...but i really don't want to change myself in order to sink to theirs......=/ | | |
| thanks everyone for your advice, i really do try to take everything to heart, so i had this conversation with a friend the other day about, do you believe that the right person coming into your life at the wrong time is still the wrong person? i'm split on this one because i believe it but then i don't... the part of my brain that tells me live your life to the fullest, be happy now, enjoy what you have, and go for what you want is telling me, if this is the right person then go for it, don't base your decision on something that's so unknown and uncertain in the future! the other part of me does believe that the right person at the wrong time is still the wrong person because if you really want to have a future with this person then you should be financially and location situated so that you know you can be with this person in the long run. You obviously can't be with that person if you are moving to a different location in the near future, so clearly right now is the wrong time, which then makes the person the wrong person =/, but then later we did conclude one thing, that you never know when is the right time, cuz you can always picture a better timing to get into a relationship, or be married or have kids, you always feel that you can be more financially situated, but what you can conclude is that you know when is the wrong time. I hate not knowing... | | |
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